By Guest Columnist Tiernan

Weeks 10-12 Recap

Alright Lounge Ball Enthusiasts! You’ve asked, we’ve heard! Here it is, a late season update on the standings and a brief recap of weeks 10-12!

Starting off in the Synthwave Division!!! It is still anyone’s grab. (“Anyone” does not include the Hamilton Football Team, who have unfortunately been eliminated from playoff contention. A complaint has been filed against the league by Hamilton as they are the fan favorites in their eyes and should be in the playoffs no matter what!). The Three Ways currently lead the division at 7-5, but the Kokmagics edge closer with a 5-7 record. Should the Three Ways falter and the kOks finish strong, we could see a tie at the top of Synthwave for the 1 spot. Currently, no one clinches playoff berth in the division, which means the Crack Pipes still have a shot at 4-8 for a playoff berth.

Moving on to the AFC North of Lounge Ballin’, the PROTBOT DIVISION!!!!! (Screams are heard from the crowd, someone professes their love for Thomas, which garners a boo from the Synthwave division). As predicted three weeks ago by none other than myself (pats self on back and buys a drink with the company credit card), the Njigbas have FALLEN FROM THE TOP SPOT! GASPS The QWERTY have stepped up and taken the top spot! Both teams have clinched playoffs and a bye week while boasting a 9-3 record! The Ween are at 6-6 and still in contention, as well as the LA Vertiboys at 5-7. No one has yet to be eliminated from the playoffs, making the slow burn on Hamilton even worse… we’re getting word Hamilton will be filing another complaint against this press release. Maybe they should have stayed the Heroin Hero’s after all…

OFF TO THE CALVING RPING DIVISION! (45 people that look like Calvin storm the stage doing the griddy.) Alright enough we get it! Anyways, Team MeekDADDY with the best score in the league at 10-2 have not only clinched the division, but have clinched the bye week as well! We reached out and asked about their thoughts and how the players were taking the information, and they responded with “Player? I hardly know’er!” Tied for second are the Chungus Champs and THE HERD! Somehow, without 47 running backs on the bench, THE HERD still manages to hold a winning record and be in playoff contention! The Chungus Champs are still downing hamburgers like they are going out of style to make big Chungus Bigger, and they are ready for a playoff run! Don’t forget the fan favorite Catgirls! At the bottom of the division with a 6-6 record, they still can make the playoffs. Those catgirls really do know how to put up a fight, even if they keep sending ridiculous offers to Hamilton for Saquon Barkley (NO MEANS NO TIM! 😠)

And finally, we head to the Brite Division (BOO’s are heard all around as people throw rotten tomatoes at Fairports Logo). Yes yes we know Fairport is a sore spot. BUT, we must give credit where credit is due, and they have clinched both the Brite division and playoff berth! Ear splitting silence… Alright tough crowd. They boast a 9-3 record and still the sickest burn of the year against both Boise and Hamilton, so they win the honorary Buff Boy award! Trailing behind them at 6-6 are the GNUs, the only other team in playoff contention in the Brite Division. They still have a chance if they win out, and all eyes will be on them. Lastly, at the bottom of the Brite Division we have the BBB and the GLDC. Both are unfortunately out of playoff contention, and competing with Hamilton for the season’s Wide Konnor Award. The GLDC have 3 time Super Bowl champ Patrick Mahomes, we reached out to Mahomes for a comment on his teams poor performance, but only wails were heard from his bedroom, muffled by Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” being played on repeat.

At this time we thank all the owners for a wonderful season. We also thank the fans for everything they do. Please remember, this is a game, the players are human, and the owners are indeed trash. This is all for fun, and any complaints can be given in the form of food to my dogs to be thoroughly considered by the owners for validity. Goodnight all!